funnies

•  underground announcements   •  yo mamma's so fat •  dumb footballers •  internet recovery plan •  thing's you'd love to say at work   •  male combacks •  new words for 2001

We all get a lot of crap popping up in our inboxes. But occassionally, people forward me stuff that is actually funny. Below are some of the better ones.

Underground announcements
Who said London Underground Tubedrivers don't have a sense of humour?? These are, supposedly, genuine announcements made by tubedrivers on the London Underground

• "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage. What part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
• At Camden Town station on a crowded Saturday afternoon: "Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh, go on then, stuff yourself in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home."
• "Ladies and Gentlemen, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for public transport and not a bin on wheels."
• Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
• "Ladies and Gentlemen, do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line - simply get out and walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you." "Let me start you off. 'Hi, my name's Gary, how do you do?"
• "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
• "Please mind the closing doors.." The doors close then reopen "The big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors, Let's try it again, shall we? Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close. "Thank you."
• "I'm sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly... usually in bits."

back to top

Yo mamma's so fat...

• she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her
• the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs
• when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live
• I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side
• she has to iron her pants on the driveway
• she's on BOTH sides of the family
• she could sell shade
• people jog around her for exercise
• when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu,she gets an estimate
• when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party
• she can't even jump to a conclusion
• she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
• her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters

back to top

Dumb footballers
I don't know the source of these but it's hard to believe that they can all be true. Well maybe it isn't.

• Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?' David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.'
• 'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper
• 'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka
• 'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall
• 'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne
• 'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.' - Alan Shearer
• 'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.' - Peter Shilton
• 'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore
• 'It was a big relief off my shoulder.' - Paul Gascoigne
• 'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu
• 'Leeds is a great cluband it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.' - Jonathan Woodgate
• 'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce
• 'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right knee.' - Lee Hendrie
• 'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' - Ian Rush
• 'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison
• 'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.' - David Beckham
• 'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.' - Mitchell Thomas
• 'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.- Alan Shearer
• 'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd. ' - Johnny Giles
• 'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry
• 'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.' - David Beckham
• 'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.' - Les Ferdinand
• 'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus
• Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones

back to top

Internet recovery plan

• I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
• I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
• I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
• I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
• I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
• I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
• I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
• I will speak to my colleague who is sat next to me rather than emailing them
• I will remember that I must go to bed

back to top

Things you'd love to say at work

• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
• I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
• Do I look like a fucking people person?
• And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
• How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
• Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

back to top

Male comebacks

• Man: Is this seat empty?
  Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
  Man: That's because you will be on your knees gobbling my cock
  
• Man: Your place or mine?
  Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
  Man: That's cool, cause after I get done feeding it to you in the back of the taxi, I don't give a shit where you go.
• Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
  Woman: Unfertilised.
  Man: No problem, I can always shoot it on your face.
• Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
  Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
  Man: That works for me as long as you are still warm when I shove it in your poo hole.
• Man: "Would you like to dance?"
  Woman:"I wouldn't dance with you."
  Man: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in that skirt"

back to top

• BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
• SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
• CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
• PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
• ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
• VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand positions required to reach all of the keys for certain commands.
• ADMINISPHERE - The rarified organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
• MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
• SITCOMS - Single Income Two Children Opressive Mortgage - what Yuppies turn into when one of them quits work to stay at home to look after the kids.
• WOOFYS - Well Off Older Folks
• 404 - Someone who's clueless. (From '404 Not Found')
• STARTER MARRIAGE - A short-lived first marriage that ends up in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
• IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you can't help watching, eg Millionaire, Big Brother...
• OHNOSECOND - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realise that you have just made a BIG mistake.

back to top